Love, Faith and Contentment

Josey turned 7 yesterday. I can't believe how fast time is clicking by. Scott and I went down memory lane yesterday. As I have mentioned before,after the birth of our second son I went through some mild post partum depression.
Jonas was a sick baby and suffered from some immediate health concerns. He had a collapsed lung, an infection from swallowing the meconium and he had a brachial plexus injury resulting in erbs palsy. It was very overwhelming for me. I also ended up getting a staph infection that took 3 months to completely clear up.
It was all too overwhelming for me. I basically lost my zest for life and did the minimal for taking care of my children and myself. We were also just getting back on our feet from some financial hardship so this was another concern.
So we trucked along and I began to come out of the fog. Quite literally. One day I was coming out of the shower and was wiping the mist away from the mirror and I looked at myself. I started to cry. I had a minor emotional breakdown. After that point things began to look up and I began to feel real.
Everything began to work itself out and I began to become me again. I found my zest for life.
So every year when Jonas celebrates his birthday I take a moment to reflect on who I have become.
I believe that with the birth of each of my sons I have learned valuable lessons. When I became pregnant with Seamus I had just finished traveling across the world. Scott and I were at a cross road in our lives. Neither of us really knew what direction we were heading in. We did know that we loved each other, but was unsure of what our future held for us. When I found out I was pregnant with my son I was 25 years old. I was also very afraid and didn't know how we were going to manage. Scott and I had no jobs, no home and I knew that we couldn't take care of a baby in a backpack. Basically our backpacks held all of our worldly belongings. I was in Kitimat visiting my parents and friends when I found out the "news". Scott was in Jaffray. I remember phoning him feeling terrified and sad. I didn't know what we were supposed to do. I told him the news and immediately hung up the phone in tears. He sounded shocked, but was level headed.
He didn't phone me back for a few hours. When he did he was direct and to the point. He told me that after I had phoned he had gone out on to the front of his mom's house and sat on a chair and contemplated life. He felt afraid. He said he mostly felt afraid of the unknown. He said after awhile sitting there this thought came to his head, "a baby isn't a bad thing."
And those were the words he said to me on the phone. "Jen, a baby isn't a bad thing. It'll be amazing to have a baby. Can you imagine what our child will be like?It's all about love!"
I get teary eyed when I think of those words. So with the birth of my first son I learned about love in a new way. Seamus brought us together as a family and I experienced,firsthand, love in all its glory with my husband and our baby.
When I was pregnant with Jonas we all were excited for the new baby. I had a very difficult pregnancy and felt like my pregnancy was being mistreated. My doctor turned a blind eye to certain problems. I went 15 days overdue with Jonas. My delivery was brutal. I had a nurse pushing on my stomach to push the baby and I had a baby that was stuck in my pelvic area. The doctor ended up pulling Jonas out with his arm and severed the nerves in his neck which resulted in him being paralyzed. Immediately after they were resuscitating him I looked over to the corner of the delivery room and my husband had both hands in prayer and was crying and praying to God. I will never forget that moment. That was the first moment I had ever witnessed faith in action.
After Jonas had stabilized and was released from the hospital we knew we had a new set of problems on our hands. His left arm was completely paralyzed and he suffered from torticollus of the neck. (He could only turn his head in one direction) We both didn't know what to do. We began to take him to physiotherapy. The physiotherapist did her best and tried to find out new exercises to teach us. After 3 months I found out while traveling to Jaffray that there was a specialist in Vancouver that had clinics for this same thing. Immediately I got a referral and went to see the doctor.
When I went to the visit I was informed that he was a severe case. They suggested that we might want to consider a nerve transplant surgery and to expect him never to have full use of his arm. He would never be able to swing on monkey bars (now every time he does the monkey bars I get choked up),never hold a baseball bat and never hold a hockey stick. The doctor also told me that he would probably have a physical deformity of the hand. The arm would be much shorter and the hand would probably be curved inwards. I was broken hearted. They sent Jonas to have an ultrasound to see if they could find the extent of the injury. The radiologist informed me that had I have come 2 weeks earlier they would have been able to identify his level of injury, but "sorry ma'am we can't help you now".
I left the ultrasound and went to the waiting room and began to cry. I felt the situation was hopeless. Immediately I found a phone and phoned my husband and then my MIL.
Wendy began to cry but then she told me that "God was going to help us through this. He wouldn't give us anything we couldn't handle." I kind of shrugged this advice off.
A couple of weeks later Jonas began to get movement in his hand. It was like watching a flower blossom. Every couple of weeks things were improving at a steadfast speed. We went to our specialist appointment 4 months later and the doctor was speechless at his improvement. She said, "continue to do what you are doing."
And so we did. Jonas would amaze his doctor with every visit. Jonas' last appointment in Vancouver was 1.5 years ago(June 2005). The doctor told me that she had no text book reason for why he was so fully recovered. He doesn't need to go back to see her again. You can't tell that he had a problem with his arm. He has no disability.
My mother in law told me that she had begun a prayer chain that resulted in many, many people saying there prayers for Jonas. When I phoned her in Vancouver in tears of joy she told me that "it was one of God's miracles."
I learned from Jonas...Faith.
Of course when we were having our 3rd (and final) son we were nervous about he whole delivery. I had confidence in my obstetrician. An amazing doctor who handled us with professionalism and experience. My delivery with Gavin was a piece of cake. We were expecting to have me suffer with post partum depression. The doctor was aware of my history and so was the public health nurse. It never happened. Everything was fun and exciting. I wasn't sick. I felt happiness. Our family unit was secure.
I also felt something I hadn't felt before. A sense of genuine contentment. I had spent many years of my life wishing we had more money. I remember wishing we had a nicer vehicle, a house to call our own. I had envy.
It was only then after I took my life as my own did all of these feelings stop. I began to stop having the pity party and started to take ownership of my life. I learned to love who I was. This was a 1.5 year process. I learned about contentment.
My life is amazing. I am an amazing person. When I have doubted who I am I have also learned pretty quickly why I am unique. I don't envy others. I have a marriage that isn't perfect, but is real. We love each other and accept one another for who we are, quirks and all. Since having the sense of contentment my life has just eased into what I had always pictured it being. I am married to an amazing husband, we have beautiful boys and we all live in a pretty house that is our home...full of love, faith and contentment.
These have been my lessons.
Have a great night!
Jenny