Thursday, December 10, 2009

Honesty Schmonesty

Today we registered for our courses and got our time table. There are 7 the first semester. I've been plugging along with one measley Biology course for the past 7 months. I began to have a semi-private panic attack.
"What if I don't do well?"...."What if I can't manage?" "I don't want major changes!"
I was slightly bothered. I am slightly bothered and scared.
I was just sitting at the computer waiting for my cookies to bake and then it came to me, "What if they don't need me?"
I think this is the big ticket here.
I've been a SAHM for my kids whole life. I know that I'm the center of this household. I go above and beyond for my kids and my husband, not because I have to, but because I want to. I like our special moments as a family. I love that I make everyone's lunches and write them happy faces on their oranges.
But...what if they don't need me?
At the end of next year, maybe I won't be that important to them? Maybe they won't need me.
I know it sounds silly. I know it's mommy guilt. I just want to be needed by my boys and my husband because they complete me.
I'm sure someone will send me a message about me having to complete myself, but truly, I like that we are all pieces to this family puzzle that connects and fits together perfectly.
I just don't want to break any pieces of this puzzle.


Ruth said...

I love the quote by Abraham Lincoln-

"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."

You have left imprints on your childrens lives that will never leave...even as they grow up and become more independant. They are who they are because you have given your life for them!
You have changed their lives forever! :)

Tanya said...

Jenny...we have journeyed this DAMN biology together...its been a hard, long road...but admittedly funny at times, we must admit!

Your family is always going to need you...even when you're boys are grown and have left the coop...they are still going to need you...and you will need them too!

I understand how you feel, I get it, and either way, you're going to be the best mom you can will never sell yourself short, if you don't do the course, or if you do...either way, you're going to be the best that you can be...that's just way life works!

I won't tell you that you need to better yourself...cause I think you're pretty awesome just the way you are! This is a decision that you need to make for yourself, and as a family as well. It won't be easy...I think we both know that, and yes, it is scary, I'm scared too! Just remember that it is only one year. Short or long, depending on how you look at it.

Whatever you decide to do, I will respect your decision! You need to feel at peace about this. Pray about it, maybe talk to a current student or instructor to see how the course load is spread out. I don't know... Your dreams for your family and your happiness are what's most important.

Know that you have so many people supporting you...and whatever you choose, we'll all understand!

You have some amazing boys...and they didn't get that way because of a soso mom...they got that way because they have a just as amazing mom who would give her life for them...and I KNOW that they know that, and they respect and love you to pieces for it!

I hope and pray that you can figure this out. God will reveal it to you...just ask. You have a bit of time. Don't stress about it. Whatever will be will be.

I love you, and hope for the best in whatever you choose. Its been a hard road...but I'm glad that I've had you to bounce my frustrations off of, and that we have had some good laughs...albeit at other people's expenses at times! Haha!

Take it easy...get the Bio done...and then maybe once you're out of this place for a while, surrounded by family, you can figure out what you really want and need deep down in the beautiful heart of your!

Jenny said...

Tanya, I'm not not doing the course!! Good God no!
I'm just having some mommy guilt! I'd never back out, I've worked too hard for this!

Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

it's a HUGE change. Honestly I'd be more worried if you weren't worrying. I'm sure it'll all work out, but it's normal to have pangs about it. HUGS

Rox said...

As someone who's stayed home for almost 20 years raising my girls, I totally get where you are coming from! I was ready to tell you that maybe you weren't ready and should rethink it. Nice friend eh?

I'm someone who needs to be needed. For now. I've always told myself that when they are gone, that's when I get my life back. "Four More Years" ain't just a campaign slogan...haha!

Do what you feel is in your heart. Everything will fall into place. It always does. It's life.

Carol said...

WOW! Totally get how you're feeling! I seem to always be looking for where my value and purpose is and I always function BEST when I know. Waiting to see what it will be like is hard too... because you worry and fret. Thinking of you as you start this new adventure! I think you're marvellously brave and I admire you very much!

Shan said...

I think these years we're living are a long slow separation. That's what sucks about parenting. As they say, "the whole point of being a parent is to work yourself out of a job"...if you succeed, they fly right out of the nest and break your heart.

Gwen said...

Aw, Jenny. No words of wisdom here -- everybody's already said the right things! You're a great mom, and you'll be a great nurse. :)

Anita said...

Even though we haven't officially met, I really like you.
I like that you are honest in all situations. I like that you tell it how it is and don't try to sound perfect.
I like that you love your family so much that you are so worried, but that in the end, you're going to rock this course, because you want it so badly.
Now, imagine... Graduation day. Your husband and boys watching YOU accept the paper that means every single second of what you're about to go through was worth it. Imagine how proud they'll be, and how it will feel to look at them and know that you have taught them about perseverance, reaching and realizing dreams... and all that important, heart warming stuff. :)

AND most importantly, I'm very clumsy and need someone around who can fix all the things I wreck on myself. It's a big job...
See, its really all about me ;)

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