Tuesday, June 30, 2009

1 year lotsa tears and smiles.....

Honestly, I don't know whether time has gone by fast or slow. At times it seems like it's been a lifetime ago and other times like only yesterday.
As I've mentioned numerous times during this past year the grieving process sucks. This winter was awful for me. I felt like a big ol' mama bear who wanted to hibernate away from the world. I had no motivation, or energy and felt really sad.
Thankfully the new year came along and brought me some new sense of spirit.
I've been dreaming lots of my dad these days. Just wonderful little dreams where he comes to say hi and then tells me he must go. Scott has had a couple of these as well. I love these dreams as I feel like I am still connected to him.
The boys have handled the year as well as to be expected. Seamus gets emotional every now and then. Gavin has been more inquisitive than ever.ie: details of cremation, if Grandpa wears clothes in Heaven, does Grandpa look like Grandpa in heaven. Jonas doesn't voice his opinions like his brothers,but you can tell he is deep in thought.
My mom has proven herself to be a strong and capable woman. Not that I ever thought otherwise, but I'm astounded at her strength during this year. We have grown closer. Actually much closer than I ever would have imagined. I'm blessed by the closeness that came out of my dad dying.
I have learned alot this past year. Try to live for today and not for tomorrow. Money is not the answer to life's problems. Tell those you love how much they mean to you on a regular basis. Love the life you live.
I am thankful for the beautiful family and friends I have. My husband has not only demonstrated his compassion and patience this past year,but has been my warrior in this battle. Nothing is more beautiful than sharing the raw emotions with your spouse...revealing it all, the good, bad and the ugly.
I believe we managed to get through this year as well as we did because of those around us. Those that lifted us in prayer, that cried with us, that talked us through the sadness. A special thanks to my inlaws who went above and beyond the call of duty with their help. My mother inlaw helped in so many ways that I could never write everything she did. All I can offer is a simple thank you. We love you. Words could never touch on how important these actions were for our family.
I cherish the memories that my dad and I had. We had a close relationship. One that will always remain.
His grandsons were the light of his eyes and I am honored knowing that my boys gave my dad lots of joy.
I think of all the little things a person can take for granted. Often, I would get so easily annoyed at my dad's bellowing voice and boisterous personality. Oh how I would love to be annoyed by him once again!!
Today we are honouring my dad. We survived a year without his earthly presence. We are going to the riverbank and each casting a line into where his ashes were put. I know he will be watching down on us with a heartful of love and a smile as wide as a rainbow.
"We only part to meet again."


Rox said...

Your year of firsts has come to an end, it hardly seems possible that time has flown by so quickly.

My thoughts are with you today. Big hugs, Jenny.

Tanya said...

I'm not sure what to say. I love you and I am proud of you! I have seen you grow...and I have seen how your relationship with your mother has changed...and it is so awesome to see! Your strength has amazed me!

Gwen said...

You should tell Gavin that your dad is floating around naked, with feathery wings and a bow & arrow, and see what he (Gav) says.

I've been thinking about you a lot, and praying for you. <3

Jenny said...

I should Gwen and see what response I get...actually that image makes me laugh pretty hard!
Thanks friends, like I said, this year wouldn't have been manageable without the love and support from my friends.

JT said...

I know exactly how you feel. The year will be here for me, next month, although the whole illness thing anniversary is next week, and I am not exactly coping all that well lately. But, well, it is what it is. They say the 1st year is the hardest, so I am hoping that's true!

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