Thursday, June 07, 2007

A Tale of Two Panties...

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. . . ."well not exactly but I had to grab your attention.
A few years ago my hubby and I, along with our two children(a couple of years before the arrival of Gavin)went to spend our Christmas holidays with Scott's family in the East Kootenays.
Obviously we were very excited as we had a new baby at the time, and we always have an amazing time celebrating this festive season with all of the family. We were all full of joy and glee. We spent the few days prior to Christmas shopping and picking out the perfect gifts for each of our family members. We took great pride in each gift we selected...we pondered over each family member's reaction to our thoughfulness and generosity.
After an exciting and momentous Christmas eve celebration that included plenty of food, laughter and cocktails we awoke the next morning with a child like exuberance.
I am giddy every Christmas morning. I love watching my children open their presents. I love seeing the reactions of our family members open their presents. Moreover, I thoroughly enjoy opening my own!
Scott's family is full of certain customary traditions. One of which is opening presents in an orderly system. As Scott and I are a couple we were given the presents from each corresponding person and were told to open the presents that were from the same person. For example, I was given a present from Scott's mom and so was Scott.
Everyone watched as we opened each present in this same order. All eyes were glued to our reactions.
We were spoiled with the gifts that year. I got diamond earrings from Scott, my favorite perfume from his mom and numerous books, and knick knack items.
During the course of the gift openings we were given presents from Scott's Gramma to open.
Scott opened his present and inside the beautiful wrapping paper was a new pair of boxer shorts. They were very nice...the right style and lovely color.
Now it was my turn. All eyes were perched on me.
I carefully opened my present...
And what to my wondering eyes should appear????
It was a silky purple piece of material. I was a little confused. I started to inspect the material a little more.
It was a large piece of purple material. Glittery, shiny purple material.
I was a little confused...
So was my husband.
"What is it?"he asked. Thankfully no one was paying too close of attention to our soft whispers.
I shrugged. I didn't want to seem rude.
I thought perhaps it was a large placemat?(not quite the color I would choose)...tablecloth?(Again not quite the colour or material I would choose)...
"a parachute?!"I whispered.
Then it dawned on me. The parachute had a crotch.
...they were underwear!
"I didn't know what to get you so I thought every girl needs a new pair of panties!"Scott's Gramma chimed in....
"Panties?!"I thought to myself. Looking back I realized these "Purple Panties" wouldn't fit Shallow Hal and would make her look like Nicole Ritchie in them.
"Thanks..."I sighed...Scott was trying not to laugh. I was mortified. I knew I was fat...but to think she thought I was THAT fat.....
The rest of the morning is a blur. That Christmas morning will be forever remember to me as "P-Day". Someone could have parachuted into Normandy and safely landed with these panties.
Needless to say the Purple Parachute Panties got donated. I'm sure the local thrift store didn't know whether they were putting it in with the table cloths, or shawls. Or sending them off to a Parachute brigade. Certainly a big sight for sore eyes!
Later on in the year I convinced our beautiful grandmother that she should spend her money on the grandchildren instead.....
Thankfully she didn't resist!!!
The other day I was needing to buy another pair of yoga pants. I was on a Yoga Pant mission.
Gavin and I went off to Walmart to see what I could find.
Now to digress a little, I am not a pretty panty kind of girl. I like underwear. Comfy Hanes underwear. For me it's all about comfort. If I'm feeling like I need some extra lovin' from my hunky hubby(I'm full of alliteration tonight!!) then I'll throw on a "pretty" uncomfy pair and noncholantly climb into bed. (This works like a charm!)
The other day was my comfortable day. Scott was at work. I never paid too much attention to what my "underclothing" looked like.
In Walmart I found a cute pair of Yoga pants that I liked. Gavin and I trooped over to the change room area.
It was a nuthouse. There was no one on duty and a couple of the doors were wide open.
So off I went into the changeroom to try the pants on. I took my pants off and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror...oopsie...
My comfy undies had a hole...a big hole....
Someone was wiggling on the door, trying to find themself a changeroom and Gavin chimed, "Mommy your UNWEAR(this is the way he says it!) has a hole in them!"
(UnwearABLE is right!!!)
"Shhhhh....!"I said sternly.
"It's a BIG hole...hey mommy,"he added, "why is your belly button so wide and long?"
"Gulp!"I added.
I put my pants on. I don't even remember if I tried on the Yoga pants. I opened the door and a lady was standing there with the BIGGEST grin on her face....
There I was revealed...The lady with the holey underwear! The lady with the wide and long belly button!
We darted for the cash register and I paid for the pants. I got home and tried on the Yoga pants and thankfully they fit like a dime.
It also motivated me to clean out my drawers. No longer do I own any holey underwear.
Wish I could throw out my belly button and get myself a new one....
So there you go folks. A tale of two panties....



Chunks said...

Glad to see I'm not the only one with underwear issues!! LOL Great stories Jenny!

Gwen said...

I have a friend (who shall remain unnamed) who received a USED sexy nightie for her wedding. Apparently the husband-of-the-giver said, in a confidential way, "This has brought us such pleasure, we wanted to pass it along to you."

Carol said...

LOL!!!!!!!! Great story Jenny! Thanks for sharing!!!!

Shan said...

Ha ha, that was hilarious!

My friend's son said to his dad, while in a public washroom, "Oh, Daddy, your penis is beautiful! It's just wonderful!"

And another friend's 2 year old daughter walked in on her as she was getting out of the shower, saw her mother "full frontal", and said with a grin, "Mummy I like your hair-butt."

MiShun said...

You crack me up. My son was in the bathroom at CRC and someone was going #2 and he yells out oh man it sure stinks in here. woohee what's that smell. ANyway thanks for sharing that story. and b y the way your not fat. I'v heard it called Horizontly challenged.:)

Jenny said...

Michelle, I'd need to be 7 feet to evenly distribute my weight!LOL
I'm working on it though!!

paleraven50 said...

Hi Jenny, I had such a laugh over your last blog, you are such a great writer. Thanks for keeping me entertained. Tasha and I came to Terrace today for dinner to get out for a bit, holy moly the river shes a churning, scary stuff. I only have 4 more days of work then I;m out for the summer woohoo. can't wait. hoping to go to the okanagan for a week or so then back home to relax and enjoy my own little piece of paradise here. I just love being at home, go to the lake for lunch or dinner etc. but just stay at home mostly. Have a great weekend. Sue

Annie said...

Gotta love our kids...and the things that they say!!

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