Friday, January 05, 2007

Rant (Beware!!)

I don't like using the word hate. It's a word that I try to stay away from. There is only one thing in my life I hate............
I hate being fat!!! Seriously today was a hard day for me. I hate the fact that the person I picture myself to be isn't the one that is staring me in the face in the mirror. I hate the fact that I let myself get so fat. I hate being reminded that I am fat...(like I don't know!!) I wasn't always fat. I have only been fat for the past 9 years...the other 26 years I was thin and fit.
I hate the fact that people may assume that I sit on my couch all day eating doritos and cheesecake(yes atrocious eating habits and a lack of exercise did play a HUGE role to get me where I'm at!!) 9 year old eats more than me. I HAVE developed healthy eating metabolism is at a friggin' turtle's pace.
I hate how people treat an overweight person. I have heard it all. Seriously...I was once told that someone was shocked that my husband "looked the way he did". Hmm...what the hell does that say?? A family member once said to me, "you used to be so pretty!"(to which I did reply...I used to be skinny...shocking!) Hmm...didn't realize my head suddenly turned ugly.
We do live in a superficial world. Our role models all look like they are lollipops(with big googly eyes) who need to eat some serious Mickey D's. Oh and the so called "plus sized models"?? Who the hell are they kidding? Plus sized? These women look like my ideal goal weight!! It is hard on my self esteem.
I had a big crash today.
Because I did "let myself go" doesn't mean that I am not worthy. It doesn't mean I am ugly. It means that I got fat. I get that...I'm working on it. Last year I lost 32 pounds...
I should be happy with accomplishing that, but I still look at a picture of myself and think "I'm fat". When I meet a new friend of Scott's I'm always embarassed at how I look...
I am sick of the judgement calls some people make towards an overweight person. But I make them myself. I am the first to look at a picture of myself and say, "whoa double chin alert!"
I'm tired of people putting the emphasis on somebody's weight. Put a pretty fat woman next to an anorexic looking frail anemic looking, sunken eyes unattractive skinny girl and guess what...the skinny girl will get the compliments. I have nothing against any skinny girls(I spent 26 years as one!) by the way...this is just my rant...
So today I crashed and crashed hard. I was crying and Scott said, "babe what's wrong?"
"Why is someone like you with me?" I sobbed.
"I always wonder why someone as beautiful as you would be with me" he replied with sincerity.
"I used to have an awesome body!" I said.
"You still have an awesome body...just a little more curves!" he smiled.
Now that's my man.........I just wish I could feel the confidence.
Sorry for ranting.........
I am tired of being fat.
(and yes I know that healthy eating and exercising is the key to weight loss....I am doing it!)
So for all of us fat girls out there...don't falter...believe in who you are. Even if you don't lose one more pound be proud of who you are. (okay I can talk the talk, but...)
And for those who judge others for any reasons...for those that name call or throw out insensitive remarks...Stop it and Grow up!
I'm off to snuggle up next to my good lookin' man who thinks I'm all that and more! Just this thought does bring a smile to my face!
Good night!

PS...did you get that I'm tired of being fat??


Lucy said...

I love you Jenny, you rock. You are truly inspirational.
Just remember, Scott is so lucky to have you in his life.

Chunks said...

I've never had a problem with weight but I can totally relate to your feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes a little hate is good, it inspires change. My question is this: Would you be this hard on a friend? A stranger? Cut yourself some slack, the weight will come off eventually if you continue your hard work and everyone is entitled to a day when they fall off the wagon. When I see those skinny models, I can't help but think "One bad tuna sandwich and they are as good as dead!"

Janelle said...

i could have written this post! keep truckin' sister! i'm proud of you.

Crystal said...

Oh Jenny.....thanks for sharing your honest struggle....I have to just say that I agree with you "I hate being fat", but this is all I know and it's safe for me. I am just coming to a place in my life that I continually am making small changes that will show up long term, not fast instant results (even though this is what I would prefer).

Jenny said...

Thanks for the comments!
Generally I feel I have lots of confidence. I am really tired of the little comments by some people that think just because I am fat I am a not as worthy...
These comments always knocks me down...
Anyhow thanks for listening!!!

Pen said...

Thanks for posting how so many of us feel but are afraid to put it out there. I hate how some people treat those of us who are overweight. You and Scott are both lucky and you're truly an inspiration to us other 'fluffies'
xoxo Pen

tan said...

I can not say that I have really suffered from being overweight,I do believe that today's society and media put way too much concern about body image.What you spoke of is affecting not just adults but children as well.This I speak of experience as my own daughter was 11/12 when she refused to eat to a point where her body rejected food.At the end of the day it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks,it only matters what you think.I now we haven't met yet(maybe)(bad memory),but to me you sound like an incredible, beautiful person,and I wish you all the joy life can bring.

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