Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Blue...No More

I battled depression 6 years ago. At the time I wasn't exactly sure what was happening to me. I had just had my 2nd son and instead of feeling joyous I felt...well, I didn't really feel much of anything. I feel sad when I look at baby pictures of Jonas and I don't remember the moment that was captured by film. Every January and February I tend to reflect upon those times.
Like I said, I never knew I had depression til I was almost out of it. There were days that I didn't care for myself. I wouldn't shower or clean the house. (gross I know!!) I did take care of the boys, but that is all a haze. Our primary focus during those times were our money issues, or rather lack of money issues. Scott had broken a knee and we were hit hard by a lack of a paycheck. He was off of work for 5.5 months. We were so stressed out over monetary issues. My parents came to the rescue and helped us out. They have never asked to be repaid. I mentioned this to them a couple of years back offering to repay them and my dad said, "money? Someday we might need a favour from you!" (It would have probably been in my best interest to repay them!!!) Scott and I also had a baby that had a Brachial Plexus injury resulting in an Erbs Palsy. In other words, his left arm was completely paralyzed as a result of a birth injury! We struggled with trying to take him to therapy, to specialists and gain information. Miraculously he began to gain movement and 6 years later he has a full range of motion!
I remember the day I came out of my "blues". I had just taken a shower and stepped out and was looking at my reflection in the mirror. The mirror was all fogged up and as I gently wiped away the steam I saw my reflection. I couldn't believe what I had become!! I began to cry and cried for 10 minutes. That was the first time in a long time I had felt any real emotions.
My support during the whole few months was my gorgeous husband. He would work a full 12 hours and come home to an unkept house and wife. He would then take over. He was my rock in such a bad time. More importantly he never gave up on me. We went through some awful times and we stood by each other.
During this period I gained a lot of weight. I ate horribly and took in food for comfort. Scott supported me throughout this. I have heard comments from well (I could question this) meaning people directed towards my weight. It has always been a sore spot, but lately I want to say, "bring it on!" I am finally at a point in my life where I am healthy mentally and getting healthy physically. When I am stressed I want to reach for a cookie, but I am learning skills to deal with my stress. I always find it amazing that when I gained all my weight not one person (except for my husband) asked if I was alright or needed help. The only thing I got was rude comments and raised eyebrows when I entered a room!
For me I could give a definition of true love: When your husband still looks at you and thinks You are the most beautiful person in the world, eventhough you're carrying an extra 75 pounds!! So I must say I am feeling pretty damn good that I am losing weight and that's the gift I am giving Scott and myself. Mamaliscious 2006!!!
Like I said I tend to reflect upon these times and today I had one of those days. I am grateful that I went through those times so I could realize that love does conquer all!!
It is on Scott's mind at times too. He came home to a little messy house the other night. When we went to bed he asked me what I did all day.
"Nothing really. Took the kids to school...had a nap!" I replied.
"Oh...you're not...um...well...getting depressed are you?"he asked with such care and conviction.
"Nope...stayed up til 1am playing Poker!" I smiled.
He sighed and we both went to sleep feeling content.
My weight loss plan is still going good. On Thursday we went to Pizza Hut and I did have 2 pieces of Pizza and some Ceasar salad. I actually didn't feel too guilty. I am trying to limit my coffee, but I am really struggling with this!!
The exercise is going really well!! I am going to take advantage of this nice weather tonight and take my dog for a much needed walk.
The boys are all doing well. I am trying to potty train Gavin and it is really difficult. I wish I could hire someone to come and do this job for me!!! Any takers?
My parents are still "learning" their computer. My dad managed to add two huge vertical black strips down the side of the computer. I explained how to restore the computer. That fixed that problem. Today my mom phoned and said, "do I ever love that restore feature. We've had to use it lots!!" I tried to explain that it was probably not the best to use it lots, but oh well, if it fixes the problem! There modem is in and they can officially go online as of Feb. 15th. "World look out!!"said with a smile.

Anyhow nothing else is exciting. I need to go and feed my boys.
"mommy we'se hungun!" Gavin just informed me.

Enjoy your day!


Tanya said...

Its so true that we have to go through the "lows" in life to realize the "highs". I'm so glad that you're happy about your life and that you're making the changes to make it even better. You're a great friend, your kids are awesome and your husband...he's a nice guy too!

Do you need Rowyn to come over to teach Gavin? Oh wouldn't that be a sight!! LOL. It'll happen sooner or later.

Take care my friend.

Chunks said...

Depression is such a terrible beast. I know that I have had mild bouts of it over the years, at least I recognize it in myself now and thankfully, I am still able to pull myself out of it. Good for you for working at it and getting through it. Your husband sounds like a good guy.

Potty training? No thank you! I had such a tough go of that with my youngest daughter, she was so stubborn, it took till she was well over three to get it. I would rather train dogs!! hahah!

The phone lines will be smoking when your parents get online!!

scribble said...

so great to read you again.
I have been remiss in visiting.
Thank you for all the care and concern you gave to me yesterday.

You will need to clue mom and dad in on the horros of the internet.
Getting emails from banks that say to verify account info. The same from paypal and ebay etc... There is danger out there for them financially. They need to not purchase anything on line for a while until they are more savvy.

I went through the same depression after my second child. Weird huh...How wonderful your hubby was and is to support you in that.
Glad you worked through it.

I am supposed to be at the unemployment office. I am sitting here terrified.

wish me luck.

Camille said...

Thank you for sharing your story. YOu have such a way with words, and just worming your way into our hearts. I appreciate your real-ness so much.

here's to MAMALICIOUS 2006!! you gotta start posting pics of progress!!! :) ha ha we wanna say your gorgeous self!

Crystal said...

You go girl......I am so excited to see how the next year plays out for you!

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